Can we heal from grief?

A complex subject

This is such an important subject which I want to reflect on with sensitivity, respect and care. Grief is something which all of us will experience. Grief is about death and also about the loss of something or someone that was precious to us – a relationship, our hopes and dreams, our country and culture, our job, our health, our home and much more. We may even have lost our sense of self.

Do we recognise the loss?

Sometimes we recognise the loss and sometimes we do not. We may notice that we feel low, sad, anxious, angry. We may be shutdown and not want to talk because it does not feel safe to do so. We may be fearful of what might happen to us if we acknowledge or lose control of our emotions. We try and hold on to what is familiar in an attempt to steady ourselves in this unfamiliar territory. We can feel as though we are lost – which in a way we are. This can be profoundly disorientating so we may try and carry on as normal with routines that we are familiar with. We may also numb the pain with busyness, substance misuse and self-harm.

So many changes

When we experience a loss everything is changed – except that we do not realise the impact and complexity of this in the early stages of shock and denial. We may long for a return to ‘normal’ or how things were before the loss.

When will my life return to normal?

Depending on the details of the loss society may expect a ‘return to normal’ reasonably soon. The reality is that there is no ‘return to normal’ This in itself may be painful to acknowledge. We are changed by loss – acceptance is a life-long endeavour.

How can I help myself?

It is important to acknowledge the loss to ourselves at least. That way we can begin to think about what we need that will bring some comfort.

When we meet ourselves at our point of need and consider how we will find the way forward there is a possibility of recovery and healing. We will have scars and places within us that remain tender. Grief does not go away – with help and support we learn how to carry it as we build a new and different life.

We need hope – without this we are in real danger of not being able to see a way out of our pain. We only need to take small steps:

What is the most important thing to me?

What is the most important thing right now?

How can I show myself compassion right now?

What do I need right now that would help me?

Who can I talk to right now?

What makes life meaningful for me?

If this piece resonates with you and you are in the UK and would like to consider professional support do feel free to contact me – www.stellagoddard.com