The impact of comparisons with other people

I have noticed that the world is full of comparisons with other people. Just take a look at social media – there are comparisons on physical looks, relationship status, career progression and much more. Sometimes people use social media to try and establish who they are, how they should present themselves, what career path they ‘should’ follow and so much more. We end up with unrealistic expectations which can lead to anxiety, stress, depression and other signs of mental health distress.

Expectations of family

In some cultures and families it is the parents responsibility to decide what career path is the ‘right one’ for their children. Focus will be on being in the ‘right school, university, social group’ so that success is ‘guaranteed.’ Careers that are acceptable are law, teaching, medicine, business, engineering. Nothing else will be discussed or considered. Whilst is is important to have family support, if our needs and wishes are not considered at all we may become disempowered and expect other people to make decisions for us as we grow into adults.

Expectations of ourselves

Here is a vignette:

You are 10 years old and in boarding school. You are not doing well academically or socially. Your sense of shame and of being a disappointment to your family is visceral. You are really aware of the great sacrifice that has been made for you to be ‘in the best school’ but it becomes obviously really quickly that you are not going to fit the mould which someone else has decided you ‘should fit into.’ Comparisons are made about how well other children are doing adding to the sense of failure that has become embedded.

The development of our sense of self

Have you noticed critical self talk that says something like ‘I am not good enough’ – ‘I wish I was like….’ ‘If only I was clever then maybe…’

Comparisons with other people

Just because someone else has succeeded in something does not mean that we are going to do so if we try and emulate them. Our journeys are unique to us. We all need one another and building healthy relationships are vital. We are very much impacted by significant people in our life for better or worse. Comparisons with others is destructive because we will always be chasing something which it is not possible to attain. We may assume that everyone else is coping well – the truth is that we all struggle and what we see on social media may not be the reality.

Be curious about your gifts

Everyone has gifts and potential. We need just one person to recognise our potential and show us how to grow and develop this. It is not easy but it is possible whatever stage of life we are in.

Considering counselling?

Counselling can help you reflect on how your sense of self has developed. It will help you to build healthy self-esteem where you become more confident in finding and using your voice. This is so important for our relationship with ourselves and with other people personally and professionally. Learning self-compassion and kindness makes a big difference. Our sense of worth is in our humanity not in what we do or how we look.