Stella Goddard

BA (Hons) Counselling
Registered and Accredited Counsellor BACP, Registered and Accredited Counsellor ACC,
Registered Accredited Professional NCPS
Recognised Registered and Accredited Counsellor with Bupa, Aviva and Cigna

Do you feel silenced?

This article will reflect on ways that we can be silenced, what this feels like and how we respond. The focus of this reflection is on what can happen when we are not allowed to use our voice because another person shouts at us or shuts us down. Feelings can range from anxiety, fear, sadness, despair, anger, resentment, feeling stuck and disempowered and much more. Being silenced can cause a rupture to the relationship. Sometimes it is possible to restore the relationship – but not always.

What was your childhood like?

When we are little, all of our physical and emotional needs are meant to be met by our parents or caregivers. They do this by being attuned to us, making eye contact, comforting us when we are sad, anxious or angry. Their demeanour makes a big difference. If our parents have not had their needs met in childhood they may find it very difficult to even recognise that their children have needs, much less meet them.

Generational History

There was a time when babies were put in their prams and pushed to the end of the garden until they stopped crying. I imagine that there may well be a version of this still happening in 2025. Parents are overwhelmed, children are overwhelmed – no one is getting their needs met.

It is important to consider our generational history and what was life was like for our parents and grandparents. If a parent is dealing with their own difficulties, including their mental and physical health, they may not be able to cope well. Sometimes this leads to them expecting their children to take care of them.

Now there’s a big difference between healthy mutual support and a demandingness that insists a child must look after them because they are the parents and are therefore deserving of respect and care.

How did you express your needs as a child?

As children we had many ways of expressing our needs – crying, hanging on to our parents or care givers, refusing to be left – we protested – we did not want to be left/abandoned/rejected – so we hung on for dear life. Or perhaps we shut down, hid, found it difficult to say what we needed and so we isolated ourselves from other people. The need for love and acceptance is absolutely reasonable.

What happens to our relationships as adults?

If our needs have not been met as children we may feel silenced – as though our needs are not important. This can lead to people pleasing – trying to get other people to accept us. We may take on the role and responsibilities of other people in a way that is excessive and inappropriate. We may try and rescue people and feel that it is our job to keep them happy.

A Vignette

An adult daughter drives her mother to post a letter and to the shops. The mother insists that the daughter parks the car in a particular place.(‘Park there…’) The daughter explains that she can’t stop there due to parking restrictions. The mother raises her voice and tells her daughter to ‘Be Quiet.’ The daughter tries again to explain and offers to park somewhere safe and post the letter for her mother. The mother says ‘No’ in a loud voice and tells her daughter to ‘Drive and park there….’

At this point the daughter has had enough and asks her mother to stop being controlling. She is told that she is rude and disrespectful. The daughter is polite and assertive – at no point does she raise her voice.

Once home the daughter unpacks the shopping and offers her mother a hug – the mother says ‘No.’ The daughter then asks her mother for a hug – the mother says ‘No.’ The daughter leaves……

She has understood that she is not loved. She understands that her mother has not had her needs met in childhood. She also understands that people pleasing doesn’t work and that it is important for her to take care of herself and set healthy boundaries.

Being Silenced

If you are in a relationship (any relationship) and are not allowed to speak or are anxious about speaking because you fear the response of the other person it can be helpful to consider what is actually going on.

Sometimes people ask us to stop talking because they feel overwhelmed – this is very different to being shouted at, insulted, belittled, patronised.

In healthy relationships we feel safe and are able to discern when listening is a better idea than talking.

Is the rupture repaired?

What happens after a rupture is really important. In healthy relationships people come back together to talk calmly and respectfully about what has happened. They work together to find a better way forward. If the relationship is not healthy a long silence follows.

Do you need some help with finding your voice?

Your voice matters – your story matters – what would you like to say?

Perhaps some professional support would help.