Are you getting your emotional needs met?

As humans we all have a need to be seen, heard and felt. Our emotional needs are meant to be established when we are young by our parents. We need our parents to be attuned to us so that they recognise when we are upset, frightened, angry, sad and much more. The way that this is established is by making eye contact with us, acknowledging they see us and want to meet those needs. Receiving comfort is an emotional need. It is also established by spending quality time with us. I acknowledge that this can be difficult with all the demands of work, family etc.

The early interactions help us understand if we are valued – just because we are there. This is nothing to do with ‘being good’ or getting attention when we do well at school. It may be that we are not brought up by our parents and are separated from them when we are little. This brings a lot of complex dynamics because the loss of our parents is a real wound even if we don’t recognise it as such. We may internalise that as ‘you don’t love me’ or ‘I am not lovable’ The emotional wounds are real and can take a lifetime to recover from.

What are our emotional needs?

Our emotional needs are complex but include – love, belonging, being accepted, being able to share when we are in distress without being dismissed or belittled. Healthy love is not earnt or dependent on how we behave. It is not withdrawn when we make a mistake or do not meet the expectations of other people. When we are loved, we feel safe internally. When we feel safe internally we are able to recognise what we need and reflect on how best to get our emotional needs met. Perhaps we need to talk to a loved one or maybe we need professional support.

Professional Support

Professional support provides a safe place to reflect on our life story and the impact of this. Sometimes people have been taught to ‘just get on with it’ or ‘well you can’t change what’s already happened’ or’ Be strong’ or’ Don’t be weak.’ These messages can lead to a profound sense of shame when we realise that there is an emptiness within us which we don’t know to fill. We may work really hard not to have any emotional needs and look and behave as though we are perfectly fine.

Sometimes we numb emotional pain with alcohol or drugs or unhealthy relationships. We hope the pain will go away – it doesn’t – it sits in our bodies and can cause physical pain such as headaches, stomach aches, sleep disturbances and much more.

Sometimes people are frightened of emotions, seeing them as pointless and thinking that they get in the way of ‘rational thought.’ I would like to suggest that if we are in pain it is entirely appropriate to say that we hurt. We express physical pain – emotional pain is no different.

A felt sense of connection

As adults, we know that we can’t be with our loved ones all the time. However if we have internalised their love sufficiently well and they have internalised ours, we know that we can go to them just as we are without fear of rejection. Listening/being heard is an emotional need and is really important. When relationships work well we are able to ask for help or offer help. There is enough stability that when things go wrong it is possible to repair the rupture. A felt sense of connection is really profound.

What else do we need?

We need self-compassion – this includes the way that we think about ourselves and the things we say out loud about ourselves. If we are self-critical this does not meet our emotional needs. Learning to love ourselves is really important. Sometimes we dismiss the parts of us that we don’t like.

Who meets our emotional needs as adults?

As adults we are responsible for meeting some of our emotional needs. These include being able set boundaries on our time and not end up people-pleasing to try and stop another person from leaving us or becoming angry.

Healthy Relationships

In all of our relationships it is important to be able to ask for what we need in an appropriate manner. These are not demands. They are requests – ‘please can I have a hug?’ It may be that the other person is not able to meet that need for a variety of reasons. Are we able/willing then to be empathic and see how things are for them and have a collaborative conversation?

A sense of entitlement

It will not work if we demand that other people meet our needs and expect them to be able to mind-read and yet make no effort to connect emotionally or in any other way with them. This will only lead to resentment and anger.

Food for thought

This article is a snapshot to help us consider the importance of our emotional needs as well as the emotional needs of others.

What do you think that you need emotionally?

How might you get this need met?

What one small step will you take?

If you would like to consider some professional support do feel free to contact me on stella@stellagoddard.com