The impact of difficult family dynamics
This article will reflect on the complexity of family dynamics and being able to recognise when ways of relating are unhealthy or toxic. It will also consider some ways to manage your response to these behaviours.
The dominant one
Have you noticed that there is a dominant person in the family group who favours some people and excludes others. They might use phrases like ‘they never help’/’they should know what I need’/’they never ask how I am.’
You might also hear phrases like ‘next time you see them, tell them……’ (thus trying to draw you into their drama).
When you suggest that they speak to the person themselves, they become aggressive and tell you, in no uncertain terms, that they will definitely not be doing that.
The impact of dominance on family relationships
This kind of behaviour is divisive and anxiety-provoking. It causes friction and rupture between family members. Sometimes dynamics can switch where the favoured one is now the one who ‘never helps’ and the exiled one has now become the favourite.
People-Pleasing
If there is someone in your family group who has a sense of entitlement, and is rigid in the way that they relate to other people, there is a problem.
In an attempt to pacify the dominant person, people may try really hard to please them. This may work for a time but can lead to becoming, resentful, disempowered, sad and anxious. You might have thoughts like ‘I really don’t know how to please this person’/’no matter how hard I try, I can’t seem to get it right.’
There may also be a lot of over-thinking happening as people try not to upset the dominant one. Sometimes people have found themselves being have been ghosted. This can look like conversations ending suddenly with no explanation. It can also involve not being spoken to for days or even months or longer. People may fear being permanently abandoned and rejected.
What can I do?
Be curious about the patterns in family relationships. Do you feel safe, peaceful, loved and accepted? If something goes wrong, are you able to have a conversation that does not end in an explosion? If you find that you are being ‘bread crumbed’ so that you feel confused and your self-worth is being diminished, it is time to set some boundaries. I recognise that this can be difficult but it is important nonetheless.
Increase your self-worth
You have intrinsic worth even if it doesn’t feel like this. Worth is not something to be earned and taken away by another person. It is so important to learn how to treat yourself well. Being dominated is not okay.
Increase your self-awareness
When you are in conversation with the dominant one, notice what happens in your body when they start to criticize you or someone else. You may feel tension in your shoulders, your mouth may feel dry, you may have an urge to ‘fix the problem’ or over-explain.
It is so important for us to know what we are responsible for and what we are not. If there are repeating patterns where you end up feeling lost and upset, something needs to change.
We cannot change other people but we can change our response.
Where is a safe place?
If we are not safe, it is crucial that we have a safe place/person that we can go to.
Would you like some professional support?
If you would like some professional support and are in the UK do feel free to contact me via the contact form on my website www.stellagoddard.com
